As I prepared to start this blog — a blog intended to be more “themed” and “professional” — I went back and reread my personal blog — which is part travelog part sporadic rants. All of it. I don’t recommend it for civilians, but it was an interesting little trip in the Way Back Machine.
I had started that blog just asfter my only offspring left for college, four days away as the trucks on Highway 80 drive. I was parent-less, child-less and would soon be job-less. I had forgotten (although at the time it seemed I never would) how the overwhelming sense that everything had been knocked out from under me. Or maybe not forgotten. Maybe the rawness of the emotions had dulled a bit. In some cases, I had no idea which day or event I was writing about. In others, I remembered the smell of the room and the shade of the sky outside.
But the thing that stuck me was the themes that kept coming up:
- The old is being stripped away. When will the new begin?
- I need to get out of my head and reconnect with my feelings.
- Everything is changing. Every. Thing.
And here I sit, six years since I first started that blog, three years since the last post. Same living room, same dog. Now that I think of it, probably same pants and shirt. Different couch, but it’s in the same place. Offspring still the same distance away. Nothing has changed.
And yet . . . I am in year two of a great relationship with a great man. Between you and me, the longest romantic relationship I have ever had. I went from free fall to freelance work to counting Sunday School supplies to creating spiritual development programs, managing college interns, sitting on boards of directors, meeting with state level leadership and writing grants to support it all. Everything has changed.
Most significantly, I was just thinking this week that I feel as if things are building. Coming together. One thing is getting stacked on another. I am becoming something. I have a sense of what it is, but no clear picture. I don’t know what the future holds, but I can see it taking shape in the fog. I am more excited about my work life that I have ever been. I was recently told by the boss’s boss to consider (fine, fine, I’ll come clean, I work for a church and I was told to pray over) the idea of going to a certain kind of school to get a certain kind of degree that would qualify me for a certain kind of job that requires a certain kind of collar. I have no intention of doing any of that, but I do feel I need to have a better reason than “nuh-uh.” So I need to get clearer on what is coming.
Part of my spiritual development stuff is learning and talking about The Enneagram. Think if it as a spiritual Meyers-Briggs. With numbers. I am a six, My energy is centered in my head. Which, among other things, means I get myself wrapped around my own axle. Who knew? The way to unwrap? Reconnect with my feelings and my body.
Maybe it’s time to reinstate the dance portion of the work day.
So here I am, on the threshold again. But this time I seem to be on the way in.
I have learned some things along the way. Gained some skills. Developed some insights. Maybe you are new to the path and could use some hints. Or maybe you have been on the path too long and are discouraged; maybe you need a new voice, a hopeful and helpful and slightly irreverent voice to drown out the demon voices. And we can all use a companion on the way, right? Just ask the Doctor.
As the men in brown rumbled suits carrying sample cases would say, I know the territory (Music Man reference? Anyone? Anyone?). Join me. Let’s see where the path leads.